“I find it hard to respect a man who expects me to take charge of everything,” Laura said. “It exasperates me when he always waits for me to tell him what to do. He doesn’t understand that when he does that he is being more like a mother’s helper—instead of a husband and father.”
Paul said his partner had fallen out of love with him. She complained he wasn’t taking charge at all and she was tired of it. He didn’t understand what she meant. He had thought he was a good partner.
Too often men think that when they just do the tasks their partner asks, they’re being good husbands and fathers. They don’t understand why, when they’re doing as much as they can, their partners complain they aren’t doing enough.
A man needs to be aware that his partner wants him to also take charge of anticipating situations that need to be dealt with, plan a solution and take charge of implementing it. She wants him to take the initiative and actively make things happen rather than just helping her by doing what she tells him to do.
Why don’t men know this? Why is he oblivious to how important this is? Why doesn’t he understand how frustrating this is to you?
He never learned it.
What can a woman do when her man always expects her to tell him what to do? How can he learn to be a man who takes charge more and is more decisive?
From you.
Yes, he should have learned it before. But he didn’t. Expecting him to know something he didn’t learn won’t change anything. By saying what he needs to hear, you can transform him. You can change his thinking to understand that his role is not to just help you, but to take charge more and be more decisive.
Here are strategies that work:
Accept that he may do things differently than you and that’s OK.
Don’t say: “You’re not doing enough,” or “You don’t do anything.”
Tell him you think it’s attractive when he’s decisive.
You call him at work and ask, “What would you like for supper—chicken or fish? He sighs. He can’t understand why you’re calling him for a decision that’s not important to him.
He says, “Whatever. I’m easy-going. I’m fine with you deciding.”
You could say:
“I like it when you decide. It makes me feel that you care,” or
“I asked you because I would like you to decide,” or
“I think it’s attractive when you make decisions.”
If he says, “I thought women like it when men let them decide.”
You could say:
“I like it when you make decisions.”
If he makes a good decision, tell him you appreciate him making the decision. It will encourage him to keep making decisions. If it turns out the decision was wrong, focus on what you learned from it.
Tell him about situations where he could take charge
When you discuss the events of the day, keep him informed of situations you would like him to take charge of handling and share with him whatever information you have.
You could then say:
“It would make me happy if you would take charge of handling this.”
If he thinks he needs you to let him take charge—
You could say:
“You don’t need me to let you take charge. You have good judgement. I trust your ability. I like it when you say, ‘I’ll handle it.’ You’re helping me.”
If he asks you what he should do.
You could say:
“If you’re not sure, do research and come up with a plan. That’s what I do. I trust your ability. You have good judgement. It’s fine if what you do is different than what I would do.”
If he says, “I want to do it your way so you’ll be happy.”
You could say:
“You’ll make me happy when you handle these responsibilities and they are not all on me. You have good judgement. I trust your ability. It’s fine if what you do is different than how I would do it.”
When he takes charge, tell him you appreciate it. Keep using these strategies. When he understands how important this is to you, he will become more decisive, take charge more and stop leaving it all to you.
To learn more about getting your man to take charge more and make more decisions, look at Elliott Katz’s book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! which is full of strategies on how a woman can get a man to do his share of taking charge. His other book Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom for Men on How to Improve Your Relationship—which has been translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by taking charge more and being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. To receive a free chapter from each of these two relationship advice books, email: ElliottRKatz@aol.com If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
Follow his postings on X (formerly Twitter) @Elliott_Katz